01Amazon
Willardsville
Near Janesville, WI · approximately 90 miles from central Chicago
FLAGSHIP FACILITYServes ChatGPT & dinner-table fact-checking
Runs one-third of Midwest ChatGPT usage.
What Trixies & the Village get
Checks the outrageous claim before ten besties leave for Café Ba-Ba-Reeba. The reservation does not wait for anyone to finish Googling.
Read the facility file
- Power
- One (1) new nuclear ☢️ generator, to be constructed adjacent.
- Water
- River intake under review. The Committee has requested that the flow continue downstream.
- Equipment
- 500,000+ servers with a combined 10 gazillion RAM.
- Heat
- A combined 100,000 degrees Fahrenheit, to be water-cooled.
- Security
- A police force of 600 to guard the devices.
All transmission wires are scheduled to be placed under member Jenn Schrader's family farm, threatening the willows the family has farmed for decades. The Schraders are scheduled to be paid $50,000 per year for the access clearance and another $25,000 for the march of delivery trucks and trailers hauling the servers in.
02Microsoft
Hog Sump
Near Ottawa, IL · approximately 72 miles from central Chicago
Serves Society email & reply-all archives
Stores every Society reply-all thread since 2004, including the 340-message gala valet dispute, in triplicate.
What Trixies & the Village get
Keeps every invitation, committee attachment and valet-dispute email available. A Member can produce the original message before someone says she was never told.
Read the facility file
- Power
- 1.8 Napervilles.
- Water
- None drawn. Servers are lowered into a flooded limestone quarry each evening and raised each morning.
- Equipment
- 212,000 servers, waterproofed.
- Heat
- Absorbed by the quarry, which is now warm enough to swim in and closed to swimming.
- Security
- 40 officers and one dog, Colonel.
Microsoft refers to the facility internally as Project Tabard. No one at the facility knows why.
03Meta
Chigger Flats
Near Dixon, IL · approximately 95 miles from central Chicago
Serves Instagram Stories & spritz boomerangs
Renders Green City Market Instagram Stories within four seconds of capture. Also holds the region's complete archive of spritz boomerangs.
What Trixies & the Village get
Gets a Green City Market purchase into friends’ feeds while the tote is still on the shoulder. The spritz archive remains immediately available for comparison.
Read the facility file
- Power
- Equal to Rockford, but only at night.
- Water
- Eleven Olympic pools per day from a creek local residents did not know had a name.
- Equipment
- 380,000 servers.
- Heat
- Vented upward. Migrating birds now route around the facility, which Meta describes as a feature.
- Security
- 85 retired mall-security professionals, re-uniformed.
The creek's name is Chigger Run. Residents have asked that it be changed back to unnamed.
04Google
Punkin Center
Near Pontiac, IL · approximately 86 miles from central Chicago
Serves Restaurant search & review checks
Resolves "is it still good?" restaurant queries for the 60614 ZIP code exclusively.
What Trixies & the Village get
Answers whether the restaurant is still good before the valet takes the keys. Members can change dinner plans before committing to the room.
Read the facility file
- Power
- 0.7 Napervilles, surging Thursday through Saturday.
- Water
- The aquifer of record.
- Equipment
- 145,000 servers.
- Heat
- Recovered to warm a greenhouse growing tomatoes no one has been allowed to taste.
- Security
- 22 officers with a differently shaped badge.
Query volume peaks at 5:40 p.m. Fridays. Google has declined to say what the answer usually is.
05Oracle
Lower Frog Hollow
Near Paxton, IL · approximately 101 miles from central Chicago
Serves Member records & private databases
Maintains the Society’s private database capacity. Oracle has declined to discuss the filing system twice, once by fax.
What Trixies & the Village get
Keeps the Society’s membership records and committee figures in one place. The data can be retrieved; the explanation for the invoice remains sealed.
Read the facility file
- Power
- Yes.
- Water
- Yes.
- Equipment
- Sealed filing.
- Heat
- Present.
- Security
- 12 officers, all named Dale.
There is no Upper Frog Hollow. There never was.
06OpenAI
Drainage District No. 9
Near Rensselaer, IN · approximately 69 miles from central Chicago
Serves Ask Ashley guidance
Trains a dedicated model exclusively on Ask Ashley columns.
What Trixies & the Village get
Makes Ashley-style guidance available when a Member needs an answer about a date, a board, or an awkward dinner invitation. The model insists on signing off “Warmly.”
Read the facility file
- Power
- 1.2 Napervilles.
- Water
- The district's namesake ditches, repurposed.
- Equipment
- 90,000 servers.
- Heat
- Modest, but pointed.
- Security
- 300 officers, screened for discretion.
The model has begun signing its responses "Warmly." Engineers have been unable to stop it and have stopped trying.
07NVIDIA
Slaughters Grove
Near Elkhorn, WI · approximately 72 miles from central Chicago
Serves Chips for the entire Perimeter
Chip staging and warehousing for the entire perimeter.
What Trixies & the Village get
Supplies the chips behind the Village’s fact-checks, photos and household feeds. The Committee is separately reviewing whether the waste heat could improve patio season.
Read the facility file
- Power
- 2.1 Napervilles.
- Water
- Snowmelt, of which there is now a great deal.
- Equipment
- None. Chips only, in crates, under tarps.
- Heat
- Waste heat melts snow within a three-mile radius, extending patio season to eleven months. The effect is under study for possible application to the Village.
- Security
- 175 officers.
The crates are worth more than the county.
08Equinix
Peat Bog Junction
Near Winamac, IN · approximately 78 miles from central Chicago
LPTS WEBSITE — PRIMARYServes LPTS website · primary host
Primary host of the Society's website. The site itself runs from a single tenant cage here, including posts.json.
What Trixies & the Village get
Keeps the Society Journal, guides and membership pages loading when Members open a link. Of sixty thousand servers, this is the one the Committee asks about.
Read the facility file
- Power
- 0.4 Napervilles.
- Water
- The bog, gently.
- Equipment
- 60,000 servers, one of which matters.
- Heat
- Kept low out of respect.
- Security
- 55 officers. One is assigned specifically to the tenant cage containing the server that matters and does not know it.
The junction no longer junctions. The rails were removed in 1961; the name stayed.
09CoreWeave
Gravel Slough
Near Freeport, IL · approximately 107 miles from central Chicago
Serves Overflow GPU capacity
GPU rental. Formerly a cryptocurrency mine. Before that, a Bass Pro Shops that never opened.
What Trixies & the Village get
Adds computing room on gala nights, when everyone verifies the seating chart, uploads photographs and checks the same story at once.
Read the facility file
- Power
- 1.5 Napervilles, inherited.
- Water
- The slough.
- Equipment
- 230,000 servers in what was to be the fishing department.
- Heat
- Vented through the aquarium tunnel, which was completed and is otherwise unused.
- Security
- 90 officers retained from the Bass Pro era, still in the original vests.
The 40-foot fiberglass largemouth bass was already installed and remains. CoreWeave's lease requires it.
10Salesforce
Vulture Roost
Near Jefferson, WI · approximately 98 miles from central Chicago
ONLINE SHOPPING — LINCOLN PARK ONLYServes Lincoln Park shopping & member inquiries
Processes all online shopping conducted within Lincoln Park, and only within Lincoln Park. Orders placed from outside 60614 are declined politely. Also holds the complete records of every person who has ever inquired about Society membership.
What Trixies & the Village get
Processes the Village’s online shopping and preserves every membership inquiry. An order can proceed promptly; an applicant should not infer the same timetable.
Read the facility file
- Power
- 0.6 Napervilles.
- Water
- Minimal. The records are dry.
- Equipment
- 88,000 servers.
- Heat
- Low and steady, like the process itself.
- Security
- 45 officers.
Inquiry-to-response latency has been reduced to 0.4 seconds. The response is under review.
11Anthropic
Skunk Grove
Near Mendota, IL · approximately 79 miles from central Chicago
Serves Clarifying questions & second opinions
Handles the Midwest's clarifying questions.
What Trixies & the Village get
Gives Members a careful second look at an ambiguous message or disputed claim before they reply to the entire committee. There may be one further question.
Read the facility file
- Power
- 0.8 Napervilles.
- Water
- Closed loop. The loop is a pond. There are geese.
- Equipment
- 110,000 servers.
- Heat
- Warmed the pond. The geese have stopped migrating and are now year-round personnel.
- Security
- 25 officers, unarmed but firm, plus the geese.
The geese are not employed by Anthropic but are covered under the facility's insurance following an incident.
12IBM
Sparrow Ditch
Near Watseka, IL · approximately 76 miles from central Chicago
LPTS WEBSITE — SECONDARYServes LPTS website · backup host
Secondary host of the Society's website. Should Peat Bog Junction fail, the site fails over to a mainframe that has run continuously since 1987 and is now structurally load-bearing.
What Trixies & the Village get
Keeps a second copy of the Society’s website ready if the primary host fails. The Journal should remain available even when the Committee would rather discuss something else.
Read the facility file
- Power
- 0.3 Napervilles, as it has always been.
- Water
- A garden hose, coiled when not in use.
- Equipment
- One, in the meaningful sense.
- Heat
- The building is heated by it. There is no other furnace.
- Security
- 8 officers, average tenure 31 years.
IBM has offered to modernize the facility four times. The mainframe has outlasted all four proposals.
