Okay. You’ve just graduated with a Business major from one of the fine Midwestern state Universities, or perhaps even a Catholic college, and you’re moving to Chicago. (Where else would a young, self-motivated, independent woman move anyway?) Your dilemma: discovering the best way to find an apartment in Chicago befitting your taste and soon-to-be new found status. Unfortunately, the only situation that brings the Trixie to the brink of panic — besides misplacing her loofah scrub — is finding a new apartment. Should one look in the Reader? Should one use the Apartment People? Should you spend 75% of your monthly income on rent….?!?!?
Whew!!!! It’s all just so darn frustrating, isn’t it? Well, the Lincoln Park Trixie Society is dedicated to removing the tiring task of thought from the Trixies daily routine. Our board members got together one Sunday at Stanley’s Kitchen and Tap on Lincoln and Armitage; over our three hour brunch with Mimosas we compiled a list of vital Apartment Hunting Questions. These questions were promptly distributed to our tasteful and well-groomed membership via email. Below you will find the answers submitted by our busy Trixies. For your convenience, we have ordered the questions and answers numerically in order of importance.
1.) Where is the apartment located? The number one concern of Trixies polled was the location of the apartment in question. Luckily, LPTS has been generous enough to expand its borders; however, the true Trixie will hear the Call of the Park and try her utmost to establish residence within the “Golden Triangle.” Bucktown, Wrigleyville and Roscoe Village will suffice; they all contain boutiques, Starbucks and several trendy restaurants but they’re Neighborhoods On The Move and most Trixies prefer The Neighborhood That Has Arrived: Lincoln Park. There is simply no substitute for the sweet tang of cash and attitude found in the Lincoln Park air.
2.) Is it near an Irish Pub? This question mattered big time to our membership. Chances are, if it’s in LP, it’s within walking distance of an Irish Pub. First and foremost, it is very important for meeting potential husbands and boyfriends. Randy young Chads come to Pubs to get drunk on $1.50 Lite beer, wear baseball hats, and look at your legs. What a blessing! Secondly, the Irish Pub is the brain, spinal column and testes of the vital neighborhoods within Lincoln Park. The Irish Pub sponsors a welcoming forum for Trixies to gather with other Trixies after work, order only the finest and most expensive vodkas and gins in your cranberry and tonic-based drinks, and watch your alma mater college teams fail in various televised playoffs. Finally, the Pub provides a place where you may drown your sorrows in alcohol. After Becka, your roommate and “best friend,” steals your real estate lawyer boyfriend, you’ll find the Pub barstaff extremely understanding and supportive in your time of need.
3.) Do successful-looking men live in the neighborhood? See number two above.
4.) Is the building pet friendly? Apartment buildings which accept pets are very important. An active Trixie must have a pet, preferably a large dog — either a black lab, golden retriever or, for the truly independent Trixie, a Rhodesian Ridgeback. (We name our dogs after Chicago landmarks (Roscoe, Wrigley, Carson or Marshall) or our favorite drinks (Bailey, Cosmo(politan), Belevedere.) We’re just creative that way!!) Cats are acceptable but dogs are much preferred: what better way for a Trixie prove her busy professional status than by hiring a dog walking service to take precious Sambuca down to the lake twice a day? 
Preferably, the ideal pet-friendly building will have a nice grassy strip directly in front of the door. This allows the Trixie to “walk” the dog on cold winter evenings by letting the beast out through the door via Extend-o-leash; meanwhile, the Trixie stands warm and safe inside the foyer among the dried flowers and glazed vases from Cost Plus. The grassy strip also acts as a convenient repository for dog “nuisance.” A true Trixie never touches poo.
5.) How big is the apartment? Here is a toughie. Obviously, larger would be preferable but ultimately floor space is irrelevant as long as it is within the confines of Lincoln Park. Luckily, Trixies have few personal interests inside the home such as painting, writing, sewing or anything that would require extra space. What precious extra floor space we do possess, however, we are willing to sacrifice to large entertainment systems and treadmills. A Trixie needs very little personal living space. We spend a great deal of time out, after all! Likewise, the type of apartment is irrelevant: garden apartment, crowded coachhouse or non-airconditioned studio on the top floor of a four-story walk up. It simply doesn’t matter as long as it’s in Lincoln Park!!
6.) What is the rent? Without exception, the Trixies polled felt this should be the least of your concerns. Rent should be provided for by a Trixie’s husband/boyfriend or parents. Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case: many Trixes are forced to temporarily support themselves until better opportunities arise (i.e. an investment banker, trader, trust fund, etc.) This is where you might have to bite the golden bullet. $900 a month for a studio may seem like a lot of money but think about the benefits; status, being seen, familiar faces, sushi — the list is endless. Simply use your credit cards as a safety raft to float you to the nearest Island of Financial Security!
Understandably, some Trixies working entry level jobs at Bank One or Leo Burnett find living solo too much of a financial burden. In this situation, we recommend moving in with several Trixie roommates. Old high school friends and sorority sisters will suffice, as will work acquaintances. Try to choose roommates who keep similar hours and enjoy going out together. This will practically guarantee someone will meet a cute financial analyst at the local Pub (see number two above.) The density of Trixies Per Apartment (the TPA ratio) varies upon the number of bedrooms. The following guidelines are LPTS tested and approved but please feel free to use your own exquisite judgment: two Trixies can live harmoniously in a studio, up to three Trixies and one large dog in a two-bedroom, and four to five Trixies and two large dogs in a three-bedroom. While some would consider these living arrangements unacceptable, a Trixie is a trooper; living in such conditions allows one to practice tolerant, fake smiles, the theft of contact lens solution and the gratuitous use of the term “best friend” when referring to your roommates. But all Trixies must remember: the real estate in LP is obviously worth it. Otherwise it wouldn’t be so expensive. If you wanted larger bedrooms and fewer than three roommates, you’d live in neighborhoods farther from your favorite corner of Armitage.
The board members, and the Society at large, sincerely hope this guide helps you chose the most geographically prestigious, if not the most comfortable, apartment possible. And one final tip for the apartment-seeking Trixie: often Trixie-approved buildings have a TrixieStar discreetly placed somewhere on the facade — in a stained glass window above the door, in the terra cotta architectural details, or even carved into the bole of a tree out front with a Jetta key. Keep your eyes open!! We wish you the best of luck!
